Hope and Rigor

When I sit alone, having been alone now for many months 
I realize Peace is my companion
That was not the case for much of this lifetime
 I was fastly tethered to my emotions and commitments 

Thousands of hours of seeking and meditating later
I know that hope and rigor have been my true companions
When deeply sad, angry, frustrated or out of sorts
I learned in Silence to search out hope

Hope was a little spark among the heaviness
It grew out of making my mind go to gratitude
It grew out of the determination to clear the darkness
Again and again, I learned that facing the dark feelings worked

I tried for years to ignore all problems, fastidiously
I could make myself really believe I was not angry or sad
Especially when I was most indeed angry or sad
Or when I thought that ignoring my feelings could work

Usually I exploded with some unkind response to my family
Before I began to realize that I thought I was being good
By ignoring the heavy emotions that accompanied my life
But I was really just letting them fester until they burst forth

Ugh! So much nastiness got sprayed on those around me
Before I realized I could take the hard stuff into Silence
That I could bring my feelings to that eternal table
That I would actually be heard and my feelings could transform

First I had to wrestle with having the right to ask for help
Then I had to work on being worthy of being heard and responded to
Then I had to learn to trust that the healing coming in would be enough
Then I learned to be grateful for something I never ever thought could happen